Friday, November 16, 2012

Almost Blue

I've been feeling blue lately. Perhaps it's been a long while coming, but it was a sleeper. It felt sneaky, I just sort of had a moment and a feeling and I realized that I'm struggling. I will get out of it, but at the moment it feels, well, blue. There are lots of triggers (broken camera lens, a overwhelming amount of goods over flowing my tiny little home, no money, lack of funds, weight gain, and some fallen expectations) but the reason is singular: FEAR. I am riddled with fear of failure. Tightrope and no safety net, and my nerves are shot. Yep. Fear.



My confidence is shook, my vanity is under attack (apparently my beer and pizza guzzling has taken a toll) and I view my self-shot pics of me cavorting in the alley and groan at my lack of super model status.  I'm trying to get my online business up and going but I seem to be a comedy of errors- only I'm not really at the point of laughing. Again, there are many triggers but it really is the boa constrictor of fear that is dampening my spirits. 

Since I can't retail therapy (and why would I? I've got a house overflowing with vintage clothing, shoes and accessories!) I decided to doll up in a pretty silk dress I had found late last summer from my favorite Value Village. Since it was cold, and my ever expanding middle makes skirts and pants feel uncomfortable, somehow a dress with a sweater over it, seemed practical. Turned out, it also looked super cute. Simple navy ankle socks with my practical shoes (there's a reason the kids in Seattle don't wear cute shoes!) completed the look, and I felt a little better. Dress therapy, there ya go. 


Since I'm having trouble with the real camera, I've been using the trusty iPhone to take photos for my online selling, and I took little snaps of my new blue outfit.  A little resourcefulness and creativity can definitely lift the soggy spirits, too. By the end of the day, having admitted to myself I was struggling with depression, and then focusing  on taking care of things with the resources I had, not needed or wanted, helped get me back to my sunny self. I can do what I can do, and leave the rest up to chance. 
"Expect the worse, hope for the best," an old chestnut garnered years ago from some grandmotherly type, is being applied now to my life as a painter applies her paint to a canvas. Even Picasso had a blue period, yeah?



Meanwhile I've been busy loading up eBay and Etsy, and hoping for some sales. Recent listings include these lovely baubles you see around my neck. I hope they find themselves a good home! Hopefully next week, I'll be a little brighter, but I didn't want play it fake- I know nobody loves a gloomy gus, yet it doesn't feel right to pretend all is right when the true is blue. And sometimes the best inspirations come from the blues. Like the silk layers of the dress against the navy stripes of the sweater, there are all sorts of nuances found in the blues. And that can make a day brighter. 

Now Wearing: 
  • navy/black striped pullover sweater
  • black silk sweetheart dress, Value Village
  • vintage African sea shell choker, available HERE
  • vintage Lucite bead necklace, available HERE
  • hand-made bead/conch pendant necklace, HERE
  • navy socks, Target
  • shoes, Value Village
Support the Red Cross: One of my favorite non-profits that I choose to support is the Red Cross, and this moment seems a good time to do so. I've put up a wonderfully tiny pin with big history on the block over at eBay. It's a vintage 1940's Red Cross pin of post WWII era. 20% of the proceeds goes to the Red Cross. The auction ends November 21st. If you'd like to show your support please do so by placing your bid HERE.

52 comments:

Gracey at Fashion for Giants said...

Oh, I'm so sorry you're blue. It seems like when it rains, it pours, doesn't it? I do hope things turn around for you.

Have a lovely weekend,

Gracey

lasophia said...

Awww Bella, Im in the same boat. I've been looking for work, almost had my dream job under my belt, shut down my ETsy shop (cause it was a conflict of interest to do both, so they claimed) and then they never got back to me! So the shop is open again, running slowly, days are darker, Im jobless, and feel like a failure to my little baby. Im regretting my education as it hasnt gotten me anywhere yet except into debt. I wish I could do it all over again. Go to a fashion school. boo hoo. I feel your pain. Good luck on sales.

Serene McEntyre said...

Oh Girly!!! I wish I could give you a hug in person. It's going to be alright....I know it is because it IS! When there is so much uncertainty, we all can get blue. Throw radically changing hormones into the mix and BAM! Emotional overload!! I've been toying with body image ideas as of late. I think you look fabulous! You certainly don't look over 40 and you have the body of a WOMAN....Bella, I do the same thing...I take pictures and then I think, "Oh noooooooo" but then I see other gorgeous women who aren't a size two strutting their stuff and I think, "Serene, don't be such a pansy!" Sometimes that helps, but most of the time, it's just turning off the voices in my head.
I hope you feel cheerful again really soon. Maybe we need to skype again and I'll do my stand up routine!! Ha Ha Hugs my friend! Serene

Adrienne Shubin said...

Big hug to you sweet Bella....maybe try a walk about your neighborhood and breathe deeply some fresh fall air. That might help you feel a little lighter.

I love that you are honest and didn't fake your way through your feelings. An indication of what a genuine person you are.

I hope you feel better soon...xoxo, Adrienne

Une Femme said...

I'm sorry you've been feeling blue, but I love your blue dress and accessories! The color looks really great on you. I do think sometimes just acknowledging those feelings really helps. It takes so much energy to push them aside while trying to soldier on. Hugs to you, and as they said in Olden Times, "this too shall pass."

Joanna said...

Sending prayers and positive vibes your way! It could almost be the weather. I'm not sure if it's the same as here in NY but it's been dreary and getting dark rather early. Try some vitamin D and get yourself out into the world:)) Realize that you create your fears and you have to head into them to conquer them...go Grasshopper the world is your oyster.

Can I say on a side note how fabulous the necklace is that you have?

pastcaring said...

You KNOW that beauty doesn't reside in any one physical feature. Weight up/weight down, it doesn't affect your attractiveness, because there is so much more to you than that. I am sorry you are feeling scared and that things are difficult. You have had a lot of changes to contend with, and I don't think that is ever easy, however positive many of them are.
Good luck with your sales, and good luck with managing your mood, I'm sure it will improve, Bella.
Meanwhile, the photos of you are as sassy and stylish as ever.
Love that song, though I have only ever heard the Elvis Costelloe original before.
Take care. xxxx

Veshoevius said...

Sorry to hear you're feeling down - I so hear you on many of the things getting you down, chronic lack of room and overflowing things -tick, lack of funds -tick, lack of time -tick, a business venture not going too well -tick, and yes also weight gain -tick. On top of that it's getting dark at 4 in the afternoon here! So sending you a big hug - we all get our blue phases and hope yours passes by quick.

Marla said...

Sorry to hear you're feeling down, but like everything else, it will pass. Things run in cycles. I love reading your blog.

Bohemian Chick said...

I can really relate about lack of money and the ever-increasing weight as age slows the metabolism. It's great that you realize that fear is at the base of things, though. I always feel better when I know where the feelings are coming from.
I agree with the many comments about the weather, too. I always have a hard time adjusting to the sun going down so early. I start taking more Vitamin D and just try to get through it. (I also am dealing with much grief since my belowed cat died 5 weeks ago. That has brought a pain so deep I just have to grit my teeth and feel it.) That's all that we can do. But know that "this too shall pass", and better days will be coming for you.
Donna

menopauselsupermodel said...

{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} you are beautiful inside and out--because you are REAL!!

Suzanne Carillo Style Files said...

It sucks to be blue, but it happens to all of us. Lately with the economic crisis it feels like lots of us are struggling to survive. Sometimes it's hard to get the drive to get up and move your butt when you feel like that. I commend you for pushing through with your day. Put one foot in front of the other, and you will get through. I'm rooting for you : )

Bisous
Suzanne

Sheila said...

Aw, so sorry to hear you're blue, hon. It's been so dreary in our neck of the woods, and it's supposed to rain more this weekend. I like the idea of going out for a walk - put on some tunes and just look at some beauty and let your mind go. You'll feel better, I guarantee it!

Good vibes to you. *hug*

Terri said...

Hope I'm not too late to pass along a hug. I know the feelings you're describing...though mine are for different reasons, mortality being too much with us at the moment. Be glad you're alive. Practice laughter therapy. And I've got my eye on one of your items...gonna place a bid.

Tamera Beardsley said...

My dear I have such respect for your honest post! I have found it very cathartic to admit those feelings publicly...it is almost a release... and thus opens up new streams of creativity... By the way...I am always dazzled by everything you do...and the way in which you do it :)

xox

Amber of Butane Anvil said...

Dear Bella,
So sorry to hear you're having a tough time. You remain fierce as ever in your honesty and in these incredible photos. Sending hugs and good thoughts always,
xo

Beryl said...

Take care of yourself and don't just wait for the blueness to pass. Keep track of how long this goes on. There are things you can do or take and people to help you figure out what is the best thing to fight this with. I'm don't pretend to know how long is too long, but don't start 2013 still being blue, seems like a good goal.

spashionistareport said...

Tomorrow brings with it all the promise you want to give it. You can have more salads, move a little more, and realize that every good thing in life starts with your determination to make it wonderful.
I''ll keep my eye on your auctions - I think we're the same shoe size for starters - and see if there's something that speaks to me. Your name fits you, Bella. You're beautiful from the inside out. It'll get better, hang in there :-)
Spashionista (Alicia)

sylvia @ 40PlusStyle said...

Sorry to read you are feeling blue Bella. But you have gone through quite a lot of changes this year so it may be related to 'culture shock' as well. I think you are doing the right thing by being creative. Reading blogs like zenhabits and the happinessproject also help me to lift my spirits... Good luck!

Melanie said...

Being a northwest coaster certainly doesn't help the blues in November - but I know this: invisible showers of goodness and fortune are raining down upon you. Your shades are drawn for fortification but when you're ready to pull them up, you will be dazzled!! Cuddle up. I'm glad your dress therapy is a help. Your key snowflake is a work of beauty.

c... said...

I do hope that the blue turns to a brighter shade of of pink soon ! I think you look stunning !

Sara said...

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling down, lots of hugs to to you dear Bella and I hope your days will turn better! <3

-Sara
xx

señora Allnut said...

dear Bella, there's nothing wrong about feeling blue or fear sometimes, it's healthy!, and I can feel you're recovering your fighting spirit and bright attitude and making the most of everything you have!
besos & abrazos

Shybiker said...

Oh, dear. I'm sorry, pal. Sad to hear.

Take refuge in two things that work for me. The first is friends. LOOK AT ALL THESE WARM AND SUPPORTIVE COMMENTS left by friends of yours. People who like you. People who admire you, myself among them. You have a wide circle of friends.

Second, art. Create. When I lack funds, I pull stuff out of the trash, re-fashion it, make it vibrant and new. I've seen more beauty created by artists with trash than by rich people shopping at tony stores. And the process is uplifting.

Best wishes. Be strong.

Shybiker said...

P.S., This is optional, but if you e-mail me your address, I'll mail you a gift. Getting something fun in the mail is always encouraging. fhu@pipeline.com

The Style Crone said...

Dear Bella, Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your true feelings. Your beauty and creative spirit remain, no matter how you feel, as evidenced by every photo on this post. All a projection of who you are and how important you are to so many. Sending warm and caring thoughts your way in the midst of this struggle. xoxo Judith

JaninJabitt said...

I so know where you are. We have the tiniest business in the world, and it's our most miserable time of year, too. Scratching and struggling to pay basic bills sucks ... especially when we need the discipline of a jedi-monk-saint-yogi to avoid all the holiday hoo-ha dangling objects of desire in front of our noses 24/7. All I can send is solidarity, and a thought that sometimes helps me. My spiritual discipline tells me that this time of year is when EVERYTHING of any real value completes a circle and returns to the Dark. Not evil-dark, but womb-dark, where it prepares for rebirth and growth. 'Tis the season when navel-gazing and all introspective activities can be the most useful. Time to deepen and sow all seeds that have to be there for renewal. Acknowledging the fear is a very useful thing to do. As you know, your reaction to the fear is what counts, and it follows that once you react you are at least on your way up and out of the cycle. That's my hope for you ... and me too. This is twice this month that what you have written has affected me in positive ways. I absolutely include you in my fervent wish that things lighten up for all of us.

Consider Me Lovely said...

Bella darling, I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling blue. I must admit, that I can relate. Somedays I am a barely functioning mess, and other days, I am just fine. Though my reasons may be different from yours (mine mostly come from a domestic abuse situation I experienced a few months ago), I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. The great thing is that the sun always shines after darkness, so hopefully those things that have you feeling blue, won't have you doing so for too long.

Lynn Dylan said...

Ahhhh, Bella, no no no, do not want you to be blue! But I do think I know what you are talking about. We are in a stage of life that is huge! We are on the edge of being "wise" and on the outer fringes of being "young." At least I feel that way. I feel like I am in a great divide some days. Sort of scared of what I am saying goodbye to, but excited and downright rebellious about what is ahead!!

xoxo
Lynn Dylan

Heather Fonseca said...

Aw Bella, I'm right there with you. I was super bummed out all week. Sometimes there's nothing that can be done but to wait for it to pass. Personally, I like to clean house when this happens. A tidy home makes me happy. I also step up the exercise - a walk with a friend or by myself lifts my spirits, and its free! Finally, put better stuff in your body. Pizza feels great, I know, but a crisp salad or nourishing soup will make your body feel better. I'm sure you know all this. We all hit the blues sometimes. Sending lots of love!

PinkCheetahVintage said...

Big {{vibes}} to you, B. I am in a similar boat. Tiny biz, no $, weight gain (ugh! Will I be battling THIS my whole life!)... I like the honesty of your post. I try to be honest about my situation, too, because it actually helps me deal.
P.S. Going to post your pledge on my blog soon :)

Krista said...

It took a lot of balls to say all that, I mean vagina:) you have a lot going and your heading into your first winter in Seattle too. I'm sorry to hear about your blues although you wear it well my dear. Happiness comes and it goes hang in there sweetie. I think it's great that your selling your stuff, keep at what brings you joy. Sending you a real big squeeze.
Xoxoxo

propriatress said...

blue is the color of this northwest...not green! you know you are loved...and I hate it when people tell me that things....oh you know...
It really does take a lot of flogging to keep the Universe spinning on greased grooves....and yes, Cute Shoes are only worn from about April to late October...November 12th if you are real damn lucky! so I load up on new, or new-to-me socks...and Walk On, Keep Walking On...oh, and here's a little song to cheer you up. It always cheers me up. http://youtu.be/duqO3LYzYgY

playingwithscarves said...

Hang in there dear Bella! "Après la pluie vient le soleil"/ after the rain comes the sun. Always!
For now I suggest you turn the arrow in your photo to the left side and write "almost pink".
Cheer up. Good luck!
Hugs from Florida
Anne (playing with Scarves)

Kitty said...

Day after day. hour after hour, if that's all you can manage....that's okay. Take it easy on yourself, because YOU are the starting point.xx.

Forest City Fashionista said...

Ah Bella, I have been where you you speak, and it's a nasty place, but it does pass. It's just so f**cking awful when you're in the middle of it. I'm sending you a big hug. Find whatever small things you can to take pleasure in right now, and remember that you are strong, and creative, and smart, and funny and stylish.

Sacramento Amate said...

My dear Bella, I thought you well, safed and deeply loved.
Things never happen the way we want, and it is heart breaking when you try once and again different paths in order to find the right one.
Do not dispear, we are many holding your hand, my dearest freisnd.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Miss Simmonds Says said...

I thought you'd been quiet. I hope you're starting on the climb uphill again. Keep going. I was always told to spoil myself. Ok, maybe not beer and pizza, though that's easy. How about little things like luxurious baths? It's all very cheesy but it does help. xxx

kaffesoester said...

When you live up North where things get really dark in winter, it doesn't take much else to get a depression. You're so beautiful in blue with black silk dress underneath. Focusing on the half full glass/closet is way more positive than the half empty. Half full means room for more, which is a luxury for some people!

People are going to buy Christmas presents soon, and I hope they'll buy some lovely things from you, giving you some hard evidence that you're a success in more than one way. Judging by all the supportive comments you're already a successful blogger!

Style Higher™ said...

Bella Q, I feel your blueness. It is hard everywhere right now because so much is shifting. It is scary and anyone who isn't a little fearful isn't living on earth right now. How can any of us know what tomorrow will bring? Even if there was some success along the way, how do we know we can keep it? We don't. All we can do is have faith that all will be well so I keep that deep in my heart. The good news is that nothing ever stays the same and we can count on that. xo

One Womans Style Evolution said...

Ha, Ha! That's the anthem of all single women right now. I tried to explain this to my Mom last week (the no net thing) and she reminded me that I chose to be single. Please hang in there just know you are not the only one feeling blue right about now. That's you, me and one other blogger who blogged about this recently.

Ulla-Marie Nilsson said...

This is not much comfort or therapy, but you are very cute in your black attitudefringe in combination with your blue/black outfit. Thanks for your honesty. Maybe we all need more of that in Internet-forums where we prepare ourselves as successful people ...

Pam @ over50feeling40 said...

Bella, I just saw this...i hope you are better by now. I so often struggle with the same FEAR...but let me share with you what I have learned. Fear stands for False Evidence Appearing Real....we so often make up these things to be scared of and they are just false!! They really don't exist. It has helped me so much to remember fear is just silly false messages that we so often allow to take us over. Life is short, live it one day at a time...to its fullest.

Vix said...

You wouldn't be human if you didn't have blips of self doubt. You've been through some massive changes this year and these long dark winter nights are always a mood dampner. Thanks for sharing, you know we're all on your side. x

Rosy said...

I've had that feeling sometimes ... but everything happens .... just have to wait to regain normal color again. A kiss and a lot of good vibes from me to you!

GeeGee said...

Oh, Bella, I can understand you - I have same feelings... Be confident - things go better, I am sure. Just give time to you to bewail losses and doubt.

Carrie Teal said...

I feel for you, just try to take day by day . Well I love you hair, the dark suits you . Hope things get better soon.

Carrie

Pull Your Socks Up! said...

Your photos reflect the true beauty and vigour for life that continues to bloom inside you. Dark days, a new city, a couple of house moves, not enough sunshine ... none of this is capable of dampening your beautiful spirit. xoxo

Emalina said...

So sorry you're feeling blue Bella, hope you can ride it out. Keep doing the things you love that make you happier, and let yourself have a good cry/ moan when you need it too. Hang in there.

p.s. I have finally worked out how to add the BlogLovin' button to my blog! Pop by and say hello whenever you fancy a cheer up.

Emalina said...

Or a good moan for that matter! All emotions welcome :)

comingafullcircle said...

You had been so honest ...so open....we all feel those blues sometimes....it wont last long..

GRIT AND GLAMOUR said...

I hope you are getting back to feeling better, Bella. Being blue is a vicious cycle. You eat and drink more, then gain weight...which makes you feel even worse. I've been there, for sure.

Seems like you have the right attitude, though. Try to take it a day at a time, and now that you recognize beer and pizza are not your friends (believe me, they eventually turn their backs on EVERYONE), stop inviting them in. May I suggest a focus on whole foods...sans beans and grains? Even just a couple days will decrease the bloat and you will feel better.

Anyway, sending you a big ol' hug. Moving to a new city is touch enough, without all the other shizzz piled on top. But you are tough, woman! You CAN make it all better. I know it.

xo

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails